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Second Chapter of my friends story...?

Ok, so I appreciated the advice given for the 1st chapter of my friend's story. Here's the second chapter. Two Crying in her room, Ariel looked up at her cousin, Vanessa, and tried to calm down. Vanessa looked across the room at Ariel and tried to make her feel better. “Ariel,” Vanessa said, “It’ll be ok.” “No,” Ariel said, crying harder now, “It won’t be ok! We won’t even be going to the same school anymore.” Ariel and Vanessa had been going to the same school their whole lives. Camelback Desert School. But now they would both be leaving their school and be going to two different schools. Vanessa would be going to Tesseract School and Ariel would be going to Cherokee Elementary School. “It’ll be fine. Really, Ariel. You’ll make new friends and you’ll be happy.” “But I don’t want new friends. I already have friends.” “Ariel, you can keep your old friends and still make new ones.” “Yeah, I know that but I don’t want to leave Camelback! I don’t want to go to a public school! This is stupid we shouldn’t have to do this! My dad would want me to stay at Camelback Desert School!” “Ariel, it’ll be fun to go to a new school and meet new people. I mean doesn’t the same old thing all the time get boring to you?” “Vanessa, nothing is wrong with the school we go to now, so why do we need a new one?” “You know what? Let’s just stop talking about this and go into the kitchen and get a snack.” “I don’t want to.” “Then I’ll get you something.” Vanessa left the room and Ariel got up from her bed and went to her dresser. She opened the bottom drawer and took out the box that her father gave her when she was only six years old. She took the box back to her bed and opened it. She emptied the shoe of all of the items inside of it and picked up a small photograph. In the photo, were 6 people around the ages of maybe nine years old to 14. She knew who most of the people were. They were her dad looking around the age of probably like ten or 11, her mom around the same age as her dad, and her mom’s cousins Bethany and Benjamin. Then there were the two people that she didn’t recognize. They were both Mexican. One of them was a boy and one was a girl. They looked like they were probably in the same grade as Ariel’s parents. The boy looked short and had hair at ears length that was curly and fluffy. The girl had curly hair at shoulder’s length with feathered bangs. Ariel’s mom was wearing a white T-shirt with jean overalls and really nice looking Adidas shoes. Her hair was down in relaxed curls and was brown which is her natural color (Now her mom dyes her hair blonde). Her dad was wearing a black T-shirt and gray jeans with Adidas shoes that looked dirty and worn out unlike her mom’s shoes which looked nice and new. His hair was trimmed short maybe a half an inch long. The Mexican girl was wearing a plain pink shirt and a mini skirt. She was also wearing multicolored bangles, and, of course, Adidas shoes. The Mexican boy was wearing a black T-shirt and dark jeans with the same Adidas shoes as Ariel’s dad except this boy’s shoes looked newer and in better shape. The people were in some sort of forest or something. As Ariel was looking at this picture, Vanessa came back into the room and Ariel quickly pulled her blanket over the box, the shoe, and the items from it. “Here I brought you a Dr. Pepper and a croissant,” said Vanessa. “Thanks,” said Ariel. “I see you’ve calmed down,” said Vanessa. “Yeah, I feel better.” “That’s great cause I thought we could go ride our bikes in the park.” “Yeah, that sounds fun, but I’ll have to change first and get ready.” “Oh ok, do you want me to leave then?” “No, not yet,” said Ariel, “I’m gonna finish my snack first.” “Oh ok. So…” “So…” “So… My parents have been fighting a little bit more than usual lately…” “Oh? Really, what about?” “I don’t even know.” “Oh.” “Yeah…” There was a silent pause and Ariel asked, “Is it ok with you if I turn on the TV?” “Oh, sure,” said Vanessa. Ariel got up from her bed and turned on the TV, and then was flipping through the channels. “Last night I heard my dad talking on the phone about something about a divorce.” “Oh, well, it was probably about someone else. Probably Jennifer’s parents.” “Oh, yeah… Probably…” “Yeah,” said Ariel. She stopped flipping through the channels at channel 52. It’s E! Entertainment. There was a show on about Mandy Moore. They watched TV and ate their snacks. When Ariel finished eating her snack she said, “Ok, well, I need to get dressed now, so…” “Ok, I’ll go get ready too,” said Vanessa. Vanessa left the room and closed the door on her way out. Ariel locked the door. So did you like it? What advice do you have? Keep in mind, the author is 13 If you want to read the first chapter, http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AtQWGAF7YEPCiOcUrIVo5qrsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090322002618AAnWBbG

Public Comments

1. I think its great that your friend wants to write but I think she should spend a bit more time reading - particularly the classics. She needs to brush up her vocabulary so that she can use different words and preferably cut out all the Ohs and OKs. I know people talk like that (and with a lot of ers and ums as well!) but it gets irritating to see it so oftern in print. Also she should try and write some more complex sentences - all the short ones she uses, particularly when they contain the same word frequently tend to let the readers mind drift away from the story - let me show you what i mean she wrote Ariel and Vanessa had been going to the same school their whole lives. Camelback Desert School. But now they would both be leaving their school and be going to two different schools. Vanessa would be going to Tesseract School and Ariel would be going to Cherokee Elementary School. that is just 48 words long and 6 of them are "school" or "schools" - how about Ariel and Vanessa had been attending Camelback Desert School together all their lives. Now they had left and would be separated, Vanessa going to Teeseract School and Ariel to Cherokee Elementary School. says exactly the same think in a more compact way and I think is more likely to hold the readers attention. perhaps she is trying too hard to write a novel at present and so is trying to make her story longer than it really is - one of the most important things a writer has to do is grab and hold the readers attention - unfortunately it is too easy for your mind to drift and get a bit bored with what she has written so far. BUT tell her to keep writing!